This is my first essay for the Walkerton Writers group I recently joined....I was stuck on what to write about once we were given our topic. It played around in my mind for several days. On a Friday night I was watching a Dateline segment on teenage girls who are bullies. That's when the urge to write hit and off I went!
Topic: I Have Never Wanted Anything So Badly
March 2011
Acceptance
I stood in the doorway of the big room looking in at 25 kids with 25 sets of eyes staring back at me. Once again, I was the new kid in school. As a fifth grader, this was the third elementary school I had attended. My teacher, Mrs. Draper, announced to the class, “Boys and girls, this is Sandy Gusky and I would like you to make her feel comfortable in our class.”
I felt anxious and scared, but hopeful that I would make new friends. Mrs. Draper took me to my desk where books were stacked on top. The girl who sat behind me, Cami Hamilton, kicked my desk and all of my books fell to the floor. I heard her and some of the others snicker at me. As I quietly picked up the books, I felt humiliated, as if I didn’t belong. I never wanted anything so badly. I wanted to be accepted by the kids at school, especially the girls.
I enjoyed the academic part of school and I made good grades. But, socially I didn’t fit in with the popular crowd.
When I was young, my grandma sewed dresses for me. Even though they were quite pretty, they were not what I wanted to wear to school. I wanted to wear jeans with clogs and a sweater like all the other girls. Whenever I donned a new dress, the cashier in the lunch line would “ooh and aah” and the other ladies would gather around to eye my grandmother’s handiwork. It was embarrassing because the other kids were watching and I knew I would be teased about it later in the day. It always happened that way.
For Christmas that year I got a pair of brown, leather clogs. I was so excited that I wore them to school every day – even in the snow. But as much as I loved them, they didn’t help me make more friends.
Towards the end of fifth grade, our principal, Mr. Hartman, came to our social studies class and announced, “I need three girls to run the school book store next year. They will have to be reliable and know how to handle money.”
We all raised our hands and I was praying to myself, pick me, pick me. He selected two other girls, Kim and Sherry, and then when it looked like my chance had passed, he chose me! I was so happy and felt so grown up, because I knew this responsibility had been given to me because I could do it.
Though the other two girls were in my class, I hadn’t talked to them before. They were shy like me and not part of the ‘in’ crowd. At lunch I made it a point to sit by Kim. We started talking and I found out she was a very nice girl. I couldn’t wait to start working with her. I believed she was someone I could be friends with, but after lunch, one of girls called me ‘teacher’s pet’. It hurt my feelings, but I didn’t care because I had been chosen for an important job by Mr. Hartman.
The next year in sixth grade, things didn’t get much better. Mr. Reutman, my social studies teacher, allowed me to grade quizzes and enter the scores into his grade book. But whenever we went outside for recess, I got teased for it and because of that there were many days I spent alone on the playground.
One day, a girl who was part of the ‘in’ crowd, DeDe Coyle, approached me. We started to talk and from that point on, she and I would hang out together on the playground. We played on the swings and kept each other’s secrets. During the rest of my time in elementary school, she was the one true friend I had.
When summertime rolled around, DeDe talked me into signing up for girls’ softball. I had played whiffle ball with my brother, but never on an organized team. On practice days, she came to my house and we walked to the softball field together. I was excited until I saw the other girls on the team. It was the group of popular girls from school, including Cami, the one who kicked my desk on the first day of the fifth grade. The only person out of the whole group who said anything to me was Shawna Cleary’s dad and he hollered, “Head out to right field and show us what you’ve got!”
He hit some balls to me, but I didn’t catch any of them. Nobody taught me how to catch pop-up balls. He hit a few grounders to me too, but I didn’t do so well on those either. I don’t know who said it, but I heard someone mutter, “She’s not any good.”
I wanted to quit, but my mom never let my quit anything once I had started it. It was all about following through on commitments. I hated going to practice and I detested going to the games because I knew I would mess up and let my teammates down. In their own way, they showed me that they didn’t want me to be there. The never cheered for me and instead said, “Oh, she’s up to bat-we’ll get an out.” I had no self confidence that summer and I couldn’t wait for it to be over.
Summertime turned into autumn and as the leaves began to fall, I started junior high school. I knew a lot of the kids because of all the elementary schools I attended, but if they recognized me, they sure didn’t act like it. DeDe and I remained friends and it was comforting to know that I had someone to talk to at school.
In the eighth grade, I met a girl named Tia in civics class. As we talked, we realized we had band together. Tia was a unique person - very smart and very talented. Even though we didn’t have many other classes together, we would write each other notes about who we were in love with and what our plans for the weekend were. Many times we would go to school dances and hope to be noticed by one of the cute boys. With Tia and DeDe as friends, for the first time in my years in school, I felt content. I still didn’t have designer clothes and I still didn’t fit in with the popular kids. But I was finally okay with it.
With the start of high school, my life as a teenager changed dramatically. Band camp had started during the summer before tenth grade and Tia, DeDe, and I attended together since we all decided to join the marching band. I don’t know how many hours we spent on the field learning how to march and play our instruments, but I remember a lot of fun and laughter.
Camp lasted two weeks at school and when we were done there, we loaded up the buses and went to a camp where we stayed for a week. The band was large and made the perfect opportunity to meet many new people-which I did. I began to build friendships with some of the other kids. I felt like I belonged. My confidence began to grow and I started to evolve into an outgoing person.
During high school, my social life changed completely. No longer was I the shy girl in fifth grade standing in the doorway. Being in the band and getting to know the kids made a difference for me. That fall it seemed like I spent more time with the band than with my family. We practiced during the sixth period and then again on Tuesday and Thursday nights. Since we were the pep band and played during half-time, we had to attend all the Friday night football games. Saturdays-competition days-were even better. We would arrive at school by 8:30 in the morning. We would load the buses after a quick run through of our show and then head out to a competition. It was an all-day commitment and sometimes we wouldn’t get home until 11:00 pm. Tia and I always shared a seat and always hung out with the tuba players.
Everybody in the band was outgoing and fun to be around. We spent so much time with one another that we became a family. DeDe decided after her sophomore year that she didn’t want to be in the band anymore. I missed having her around even though we saw each other in the hallways some times.
Towards the end of my senior year, I got burned out being in the marching band. It had nothing to do with my friends, but the program just wasn’t fun for me anymore. I was on the verge of graduating and was looking onto bigger things.
Going to college was a huge step for me, but I wasn’t afraid to go. It was a local college and some of my band friends went there. Sometimes I would eat lunch with someone I knew from band. Once I got my electives out of the way, I took classes aimed to my major. I made some friends in those classes.
My memories of elementary school aren’t great, but it doesn’t linger with me. I loved high school and college and after it was all said and done, I came away with a feeling of acceptance. I managed to navigate through the awkward years of school and gain some self-confidence along the way.
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